In connection with my last post and for those who are new to my blog or for those who came here, hoping to seek some nuggets about alcoholism, I thought it might make sense to post once a month some repeat posts of my blog and how it all came about. So starting with today and then continuing with the first Sunday of every month, I shall focus on that. This is how my blog began nearly 18 years ago in 2008......
Alcoholic Daze – it seemed such a good name for my blog – a play on words of daze and days – because alcohol features quite a lot in my days, and weeks, and months, and years. But before you go leaping to conclusions, I am stone cold sober. All the time. My husband Greg on the other hand is not. I am watching him slowly kill himself and our love with it. He is an alcoholic. There, I have said it, spoken it out loud and now I believe it myself. HE IS AN ALCOHOLIC. Up to now, not many people knew he was, including me.
At first I did not see it creeping up on us, then when I did, I tried to excuse it for something else. Eventually, when there was no doubt about it, I tried to keep the “problem” to myself for years until I broke down one day and told his sister. She in turn told their mother. A few months down the line, I decided to bare all to my best friend S, whom I mainly email on a weekly basis, as she does not live close by. Then eventually, when my mother* came to stay with us for a week over Christmas, eighteen months ago, it was so obvious to her and so she became enlightened to my world. The small circle of those that knew remained confined until recently. They were there in the background offering me support when I felt down or frustrated. Before I had told them, I had felt in the middle of a nightmare. Once they knew, I felt I could at least share the nightmare with them.
But recently, things have reached such a peak – I shall endeavour to explain later as the blog unfolds- that it was proving difficult to contain the problem. My daughter Kay* who is in the throes of sixth form and all the pressures that brings with coursework and exams, was finding it impossible to get the peace at home she needs to study. Normality for us is Greg shrieking his head off when anyone dares to say boo to a goose. The simplest things can set him off. Harmless questions to me or you can send him into orbit like the incredible hulk. Obviously the later in the day, and the more alcohol he has consumed, the greater the outbursts. Which usually coincide with my daughter coming home from school and attempting to do her homework. I use the word attempt advisedly because often she has to give up…..like she did a few weeks ago, when trying to revise for a chemistry test. She had to give up. He was shouting for so long and for hours on end. He usually follows us around the house as we move from room to room to get away from him and diffuse the situation. The result was that she did the test not having been able to revise a single thing the night before. She knew she had done badly and the results a few days later were confirmed. The teacher was not best pleased and took it out on her. Her A-levels were at risk. That for me was the final straw. The pretence could go on no longer. Suddenly, all these years of trying to hide it from everyone because of our collective shame was no longer important. We had to admit it and explain. For my daughter’s sake. For her future. Now was my time to come out and admit to the world that my husband is an ALCOHOLIC. It was at that point I made an appointment to see the school. Now the small circle of those who knew was about to be made bigger.
* Of course in the 18 years that have since passed, things have moved on. My mother is no longer alive and my daughter, Kay, is now a resident doctor in a hospital, but those details were correct at the time of writing in 2008.
10 comments:
I can imagine how difficult it must have been to open up about it to others outside your close family circle.
My dad was an alcoholic but a non-aggressive, quiet drunk. Perhaps it was his deafness that was the cause as he was used to the isolation from others and was perfectly happy to just sit by himself quietly drinking himself into oblivion.
I think at the time I was embarrassed by his drinking and the shame he brought on us, but once I opened up, I discovered nearly everyone knows someone in their friend or family circle who is like that and it is more common than you think.
I lodged with a couple in the 1970s, they became close friends. To cut a very long story short, the husband was an alcoholic and the wife was told by a neighbour "check your garage, your husband is an alcoholic and he hides his drink there". (I had left their lodging by then). She said she was unaware and then checked the bank statements which she never looked at before. Vast sums were being spent per month unaccounted for. He was sent to The Priory paid for by his employer and he came back and broke all the promises he made. He was a leading scientist of his time. He lost his job. She divorced him. My puzzle is that she said she didn't know. Was she is denial?
I think at the beginning it can be difficult to accept it is as bad as it is, but then after a good while it smacks you in the face and you cannot deny it.
There is such a stigma about alcoholism, as there is about so many things we'd rather not acknowledge. There must be a relief when the truth is told.
It must have been such a difficult time, and also a lot to "come to terms" with in retrospect, after your husband died. Blogging can sometimes be a very helpful tool, though, both in sorting out one's thoughts and feelings when something is happening, and to remember later.
It was hard keeping the truth in. As you say, so much better to let it out.
I started blogging to get the frustration off my chest. It certainly helped.
I can’t believe I’ve been following you for so long. It was often a difficult read so unimaginable difficult for you to be living through those times. I think people now are drinking far more than they should. My neighbour in his mid 30’s says he drinks a bottle of wine a night, that surely will lead to dependency.
Thank you Lynne for being such a devoted follower. I agree, people seem to drink more these days and don't consider a bottle of wine a day to be harmful, but it can soon escalate when that bottle isn't enough.
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