So much has happened since, either that he has missed himself or I have had to deal with. Just the general upkeep of the house and garden alone with major decisions to make on my own about what to get repaired or renovated and when, dealing with the finances and hiring tradesmen. Being able to discuss it with someone and share the problems made it so much easier when there was the two of us, although to be fair in his latter years he was so drunk, he left it all to me anyway.
He missed out on our daughter leaving school, going to university, graduating, becoming a doctor, getting married. I was the one supporting her, financing her, visiting her. I even got the job of doing the Father of the Bride speech at her wedding, something I am sure he would have been so much better at than me.
As an international news journalist, he has missed out on all the major events of the last 16 years from his beloved Liberal party finally getting back in to the government, when they went into Coalition with the Conservatives in 2010, the shenanigans in the various UK governments since then, Brexit, Covid, Trump, Putin, Ukraine, Gaza and much much more.
I have no brothers or sisters or even cousins. Kay is effectively the only family I have now and, of course, she has recently married and has her own very busy life to lead with many demands on her job and exams and little time to socialise. All of which means that I now have to find things to fill my world with. I long to go on holiday somewhere, anywhere, but don't have the courage to go on my own and can't expect Kay to give up her precious annual leave to go away with me, when she has a dashing young husband to go away with instead. Little did I know when Greg died, that I would make it through sixteen years, but somehow I have and will carry on doing so, so long as I have strength.
It is not easy being a widow and I don't think a lot of married couples give it much thought. Apart from the lonely evenings spent watching far too much television without a soul to speak to, there is the constant decision-making about what to do in the house or garden, the prospect of not holidaying again and just the sheer loneliness. I try to combat that by volunteering with charities like the local foodbank or the local park, gym classes and choir, but it is the evenings and weekends that are the worst, as well as coming home to an empty house. Many friends have commented that they don't know how I can have so many things to do, as they wouldn't have the energy to keep up with them, but the alternative is to stay indoors and become a recluse. Something I am determined not to be.
19 comments:
From what I know about you through your blog, you are a remarkable woman, Addy. The things you had to deal with would have left many unable to cope, but you did it.
Things were a lot easier for me when Steve died (incidentally, 16 years ago in November) because I still had both my parents and my sister within short walking distance. Also, going back to work on the Monday (he died on a Thursday) provided me with the stable frame I needed in order to keep sane, have a reason for getting up in the morning and realising that a lot in my life was still going to stay the same even if a huge part of it was changed forever.
I can understand very well how blogging about this is important, and hopefully helpful in a small way. Your readers here, including me, may not be able to help with decisions or spend an otherwise lonely evening with you, but we're here, and to an extent can relate to what you describe.
Please accept a virtual hug from me.
From reading your blog posts and meeting you last summer, I know that you are a pragmatic, resourceful and thoroughly good natured woman who has an obvious ability to just get on with things and not allow yourself to be overwhelmed by adversity.
As much as I grumble about my P and his ways, I find it difficult to truly imagine what it would be like to live alone as you do. Your beautiful daughter is a wonderful support for you, despite having such a busy life, and I envy you that.
As Meike says, your friends here are by your side - at a distance(!).
Awww, bless you and thank you. Sending hugs back. Grosse Umarmungen!
Thank you Jaycee. Having my blogging friends has helped no end.
My late mother-in-law lived most of her adult life on her own. Her first husband died after fifteen years of marriage, when her sons were tern and eight. She remarried many years later, but her second husband died after less than tow years. I never heard her complain. She was a cheerful soul and had many friends and it's only latterly that I realised how lonely she might have been.
I must admit I never considered how lonely it was for others until I went through it myself.
I really enjoy your blog, I stumbled across it and read with some sadness of what you both went through with an alcoholic husband (and dad), much more patience than I would have had. I’m married, live in Melbourne Australia, I’m 72 and love hiking, my husband doesn’t like it, so I’ve had a few holidays by myself (but with a group, no bigger than 12). They are all organised trips and I only have to pay and turn up. I always pay extra for a single supplement as I don’t want to share a room, but have met fabulous people along the way. I can see that you’re a lovely person and am sure that something like a small group thing would be fabulous, often there are more often than not lots of singles on these trips. Just a thought, I hope I’m not scaring you. Marie, Melbourne, Australia
I was also going to suggest a singles group holiday. My sister in law went on some when she was on her own and really enjoyed them.
Thank you Marie and nice to hear from you all the way from Melbourne. Others have mentioned singles holidays before. I suppose I ought to just bite the bullet and do it. It's making that first tentative step. Keep reading and you may find I have actually done it!
I am psyching myself up to try one. It's just making that first step. But as someone once said, a journey of a thousand miles starts with that first step!
I know it’s easier said than done but think of it as another of the many firsts you have already done with good outcomes.
I was never married, but have 50 years of experience of living on my own by now. It has had its ups and downs, and I still can't say if it's got easier or more difficult over the years! (Friends going through their own phases of family life - or breakups, or losses - during the same time, etc.)
As an only child, I grew up with my own company, but then 34 years of married life made it harder to start on my own in later life.
I know. I will try.
I get that. And there will always be situations where it's necessary or easier to be two, whether the other person is your spouse or "just" a friend.
Group holidays are great. I found myself in the position of having a partner who announced he no longer wanted to travel (1995) and eventually fell to schizophrenia in 2017 and I am now alone, and no children. I run my house and life alone. I started travelling in group travel in 2002 (he didn't mind me doing so) and have now been on 10 such holidays. They are great and I am shortly to go on another. I wrote briefly about it on my blog on 23rd February if you would like to read. Good luck. (I read your blog but have never commented before). Rachel
Thank you Rachel. I think I will definitely try to pluck up courage - maybe to a European city first and then maybe further afield later. It's just making that first step!!
If I were widowed (I've thought about this, though at the moment the chap seems fine) I would go on a coach or train trip. Some years ago we went on a train trip to and round Switzerland with Festiniog Travel, and it was great - everything arranged for us, and a nice group of people, quite a few of them single. We all socialised, but didn't have to be together all the time if we didn't want to. Go for it. (Easy for me to say, I realise.)
I am considering it more and more.
Post a Comment