There have been many times over the last few years, when I have considered stopping my blog. I started it 15 years ago in 2008, when I was going through a tough time, coping with a husband who was intent on killing himself with alcohol. I had stupidly believed keeping it quiet from everyone was the only way to deal with it and certainly the shame and embarrassment I felt about even telling my nearest and dearest, let alone a wider circle of family and friends, was not worth it. I had even made my daughter keep it from her friends at school as I just did not want anyone knowing. How wrong could I be?
Of course that belief could not be sustained and, as my crazy world got crazier and more like a nightmare, and, as my daughter's school work began to suffer, because of the chaos at home, something had to give and my blog was born. It was a mental release for me to type down my thoughts and frustrations and, then it began to morph into a diary and then later a guide for others going through similar alcohol-related problems. The comments I used to get helped me believe others were there for me, even if I didn't know them at all. At times, I'd get up to 70 comments per post and that buoyed me up. Attending Al-Anon (for families living with alcoholism) also made me aware that I was not the only one going through living with an alcoholic and somehow made me open up more and more first to those close to me and then eventually to others who might read the blog.
Nowadays, I often go back to those early posts to relive that nightmare and see how far I've come since, in being brave enough to cope with a life without my husband. Having no siblings or even cousins, means I am alone in this world now, apart from my daughter Kay, and I have to forge a life alone, finding my own entertainment and making new friends and distractions. It had disheartened me somewhat to see the comments dwindle over the years, as people lost interest in the drama that was my life thirteen years or more ago. Rereading those posts has been an insight into the world I once lived in, but it just seemed it might be time to stop the blog, as the diary was getting less and less interesting, to me and probably to others as well.
Or so I thought. Until I read a comment on my blog yesterday. I had been well aware that there night be those who just read and never comment, but I had living proof of that yesterday, when someone commented out of the blue that I was the reason they had stopped drinking and that they often revisit the early years of my blog to stay sober. It made me feel incredibly humbled that I had actually helped someone. For all I know, I may have helped more than one, but if it has helped just one person re-assess their drinking and the effect on their family, it has indeed been worth it. And so, for that reason alone, I shall continue for the time being to put out the occasional post and keep the blog alive in the hopes it reaches out to someone somewhere in need of support.
For anyone who has alcohol problems or lives with an alcoholic and would like help, please refer to the USEFUL CONTACTS tab at the top of the blog page. For those who want to know what it is like to live with an alcoholic and watch them die, then read the posts between 2008 (when the blog started) and especially up to 2010 (when my husband died). You'll find these in the ARCHIVE tab.
12 comments:
I have no experience and little knowledge of alcoholism, but can comment that I find readers tend not to look back at old posts. I started blogging 9 years ago, but have only participated in the commenting community for about 4, which as we know increases interest. I therefore (perhaps more out of vanity than anything so important) started re-posting older posts, one a month, as a "New Month Old Post" on the 1st, which has brought in many more readers and commenters than first time round. I wonder whether a similar idea might work for you. Your earlier posts clearly helped others a great deal, and might continue even more to do so if they were current and showed up as recent in searches.
I really have enjoyed your blog. Not because of the alcoholism but because of f the reality of living with a really big issue. Your post of hiding bottles for your husband when you went to take care for f your mother … that post broke my heart. I really enjoy your posts now too. Wish you would post more often
I too have always enjoyed your posts as you write so beautifully about the hard stuff but also the ordinary.
Not having my own blog I was surprised to read that you don’t know if you are being read, I always assumed there would be an indicator somewhere, each time the blog was accessed.
You are one of many I check in to regularly, always hoping everyone is well. I do miss the ones who stop, in fact I still think of ‘Retired and Crazy’ who stopped so abruptly and I think it was from there that I came to you. Best wishes.
I religiously read your blog, often checking in several times before I find a new blog. I very rarely comment though. I have been through the madness, but luckily he found recovery and is now 4+ years sober, we split 15 months ago which is sad but for the best although we remain friends I have moved on and am living my best life. Please don't stop your blog.
I also read your blog regularly though I don't comment much, I think once! I have read it from the beginning and really admire your strength at going through what must have been hell at the time. I have no problems with alcohol nor do I know anyone who has but I do enjoy your writing so please keep going.
It is heartwarming to hear that your blog has helped someone work through the difficult issues that alcoholism carries. I enjoy your writing about life as a single woman and mother to a successful adult daughter. You must be very proud of yourself and your wonderful daughter. Blogs do make great connections and your blog certainly exemplifies this.
Thank you. I often feel i have nothing interesting to say so save it up.
I agree it is a little unsettling when blogs you have followed suddenly disappear without any warning
Thank you. I am sorry you have gone through the same madness too but have come out the other side. Well done to your partner for staying sober for so long and it is great that you have remained friends despite no longer being together
Thank you. I shall try to keep going
Thank you. I often think that regular contact with a blog makes you feel like you know the person really well
I'm glad my comment made you feel like keeping this blog going. It's true that it is one of my big motivators. When you're deep in addiction it's hard to see the harm you're causing. It felt like it was just my problem and I was the only one suffering with it.
I see now how selfish that is because if I'm honest I wasn't even there for most of it. I mean figuratively of course. My body was there but my brain wasn't. I don't have those memories at all. Its my husband who had to suffer all of that. He was the one not sleeping in case I burned the house down, he was the one sorting out my messes and not knowing if he'd come home to a drunk, or even if he'd come home/wake up to me dead.
Your blog helped me see that. It wasn't just about me and my suffering and on my first read through it was those things that made me take stock. On following readings I've identified the excuses your husband used as the things my brain told me and the words I spoke. On further reading I was able to clearly see how insidious alcohol is and how it can sneak in so slowly that you don't even realise until it's too late. All lessons I needed to learn to stay sober.
I never want my husband to suffer as you did and I never want to go through what your husband did so I will never be able to convince myself to even have "just one drink" if I keep reading other people's experiences. So yes, you sharing your secret has had some pretty far reaching (positive!) consequences echoing through time.
Thank you <3
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