22 May 2008

Out of the Closet

Alcoholic Daze – it seemed such a good name for my blog – a play on words of daze and days – because alcohol features quite a lot in my days, and weeks, and months, and years. But before you go leaping to conclusions, I am stone cold sober. All the time. My husband Greg on the other hand is not. I am watching him slowly kill himself and our love with it. He is an alcoholic. There, I have said it, spoken it out loud and now I believe it myself. HE IS AN ALCOHOLIC. Up to now, not many people knew he was, including me. At first I did not see it creeping up on us, then when I did, I tried to excuse it for something else. Eventually, when there was no doubt about it, I tried to keep the “problem” to myself for years until I broke down one day and told his sister Jill. She in turn told their mother. A few months down the line, I decided to bare all to my best friend S, whom I mainly email on a weekly basis, as she does not live close by. Then eventually, when my mother came to stay with us for a week over Christmas, eighteen months ago, it was so obvious to her and so she became enlightened to my world. The small circle of those that knew remained confined until recently. They were there in the background offering me support when I felt down or frustrated. Before I had told them, I had felt in the middle of a nightmare. Once they knew, I felt I could at least share the nightmare with them.
But recently, things have reached such a peak – I shall endeavour to explain later as the blog unfolds- that it was proving difficult to contain the problem. My daughter Kay who is in the throes of sixth form and all the pressures that brings with coursework and exams, was finding it impossible to get the peace at home she needs to study. Normality for us is Greg shrieking his head off when anyone dares to say boo to a goose. The simplest things can set him off. Harmless questions to me or you can send him into orbit like the incredible hulk. Obviously the later in the day, and the more alcohol he has consumed, the greater the outbursts. Which usually coincide with my daughter coming home from school and attempting to do her homework. I use the word attempt advisedly because often she has to give up…..like she did a few weeks ago, when trying to revise for a chemistry test. She had to give up. He was shouting for so long and for hours on end. He usually follows us around the house as we move from room to room to get away from him and diffuse the situation. The result was that she did the test not having been able to revise a single thing the night before. She knew she had done badly and the results a few days later were confirmed. The teacher was not best pleased and took it out on her. Her A-levels were at risk. That for me was the final straw. The pretence could go on no longer. Suddenly, all these years of trying to hide it from everyone because of our collective shame was no longer important. We had to admit it and explain. For my daughter’s sake. For her future. Now was my time to come out and admit to the world that my husband is an ALCOHOLIC. It was at that point I made an appointment to see the school. Now the small circle of those who knew was about to be made bigger.


Stinking Billy said...

roserio, I was getting ready to say,"There now, that wasn't so hard, was it?" But it wasn't a cake-walk for you at all, was it?

All I can say is 'well done', not as good as maybe hitting him with something, but a whole lot better than nothing. Now, you have to find and make the next step.

And, as far as blogging goes, you have made one helluva start. Stick with it. You could surely do with another string to your bow, and what better. You can write, woman! Take it out on us if it helps, and 'Welcome Aboard'.

ADDY said...

Thanks Billy for your encouragement. I am now battling with the sequel. Don't think I can keep up with your one-a-day standard, though!! But it might help others in a similar situation.

Eurodog said...

Hello Roserio,
Oh boy! I am so sorry but hang in there for your and your daughter's sake.
Welcome to the blogging world. I have created a link to your blog so that I can visit you more easily.
I hope you have a nice day.

blogthatmama said...

Hi Roserio

I came here via Billy and just want to wish you and your daughter all luck and success, sounds really tough, hope it gets better..

aims said...

Oh boy.

You are not alone in the world dear Rosiero. Not by a long shot.

Having worked in a bar for 10 years I learned quickly about alcohol and what it does to people.

I'm so glad that you are telling people. You need to do this. You need the support.

I'm sure you have heard of Al Anon - but I will post the link here anyway.


ADDY said...

eurodog - thank you for your kind words. This blogging milarky is all a bit new to me , so I hope I am not boring anyone! I read your site regularly too, as we have a dog who is very much loved and part of the family. We particularly chuckled over the airline pilot getting out of the plane with the guide dog!

blogthamama - thank you.

aims - thanks for the link. I already know about this organisation and hope to go to a meeting soon. I have been putting it off.

lebanesa said...

This brings to mind one of the things my sister sometimes says - we shouldn't be embarrassed by the things our partners do. We are not held responsible for what another adult does. You are doing the right thing getting it out in the open and trying to do the best for your daughter. She is the future, her life is the most important thing. Good for you. Brave and heartfelt blog. I hope it will help other people in your position.

Frog in the Field said...

I remember almost falling asleep in my art A Level because I'd had no sleep the night before and was exhausted by the shouting from my father. He'd had 'friends' round for a wild party (hangers on) and been playing loud music till daylight.
"Dad, please, I've got an exam in the morning"
"Tough Shit"
I really hope writing your Blog has made you realise, you are in no way to blame for his behaviour and also unfortunately, you are not alone in having to live through it.

a dreamer said...

I realize that I am leaving a comment on a post that originated over two years ago, but, wow, I am so there! I have recently started my own blog therapy so I can vent without involving family or friends, and forgo some humiliation. I am sorry for your loss, your many losses.

Looking for Blue Sky said...

Wow, just found your blog and am now going to read through. The father of my children is now my ex and we went through a lot of this and in the end we had to leave him. His life is wasted and his behaviour has had - and it still having - an horrendous effect on the rest of us xx

Sheri said...

Just found this blog . . . July 2018 . . . but will leave my comments to your original post anyway . . . I look forward to reading the archived posts and the new posts.

My husband, Mark, died on September 14, 2016, of cirrhosis, kidney failure, diabetes, esophageal bleeding, and anything else you can think of associated with alcoholism. He was 58 yrs old, and he had been an alcoholic for about 13 or 14 years. He was never mean or physically abusive; he just didn't know how to deal with anxiety and depression, and ultimately his attempts to self-medicate turned into addiction.

I'm thankful for Al-Anon, my therapist, and my college roommate who lost her husband to a massive heart attack, at age 57, two years before my husband died. We have clung to each other since then. And I'm thankful for my two crazy dogs (Mark and I did not have children).