This week on 6 March sees the 15th anniversary of Greg's death. For me, fifteen years as a widow.
Last week some choir friends and I went to see the latest Bridget Jones film. I won't give too much away, but in the first few minutes you learn that Bridget is now a widow and that her Mr Darcy was killed whilst out in Sudan on a humanitarian mission. She is having to cope with raising two small children. Her friends are urging her to get back out there and find someone else. It was hilarious in places and my friends came out buzzing with excitement. I didn't want to spoil the mood, so said I had thought it lovely too. In reality I found it hard to watch as it touched so many raw nerves.
It is true it gets easier as time goes by, but the grief never entirely fades away. It is just different. I still yearn for what could have been, what we could have done in our retirement together - places to see and things to do. It is just not the same on your own. I try to keep busy (sometimes too busy) with things that distract me - volunteering for foodbank, the park, gym, choir - but it never gets easier, when you come home to an empty house, climb the stairs and turn out the lights on your own. Night after night after night. Not easy when everywhere you look you see so many elderly couples still full of the joys and holding hands.
It's not been good for him either. He's missed out so much on the world news he loved and worked for - goodness, what he would have to say on the current world situation; he's missed out on the success of his daughter at university and becoming a medical doctor; and he's missed out on her falling in love and marrying a wonderful man.
His death was of his own making which also makes it harder to accept sometimes. If only he had stopped drinking. But addiction is hard to overcome and I guess in the end, he was too troubled and too far deep to stop. For those caught up in addiction, look here for how things could turn out if you don't stop. It doesn't make easy reading, but it may turn you against what will happen, if your addiction takes hold. If it helps one person, this blog will have proved its usefulness.
3 comments:
By nature, I am not a hugger but if I could I would reach out and hug you ADDY. Understandably, your lasting grief will always be compromised by the fact that Greg's horrible death was largely self-inflicted - when he had a lovely wife and a bright daughter to cherish and live for. Fifteen years on - rest in peace Greg.
I find the retired couples enjoying life together into their 80s hard to see, too, now we can't do all the things we planned to do in retirement. I sat in the supermarket car park people watching the other day while my wife did the shopping and felt envious.
Dear Addy, another thing we have in common - the many "what ifs", the wondering what your Greg or my Steve would have had to say about this or that current situation, and that it's been 15 years since they've died (although Steve's anniversary was in November).
Of course it is different for me because I have found love again and am truly happy with O., but it doesn't mean I have forgotten about Steve.
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