09 January 2022

The Catalyst

I have found it very hard to cry since Greg died. Part of the reason is that the last six years of our marriage was very traumatic.  Greg's drinking was on such an astronomical scale that my life was like a living a nightmare, so when Greg died, the nightmare stopped and it was a relief. I could breathe again, never more to be afraid of what I might find in the morning or even whether there would be a morning at all, if a cigarette fell from his drunken hand in the night and caused a blaze. There have been occasions when I have been close to crying with wistful thoughts of what might have been if he had lived and been sober. I have often played out what retirement would have looked like together, if we had had the chance, but then reality has dragged me back into the real world and I know, if he had survived the tumultuous symptoms building up all over his body, our relationship would not have survived intact. 

There have been so many times when I wished he could be here to witness what it going on in the world. As a news journalist for the BBC World Service, he was always interested in world events and we would have had long conversations about Trump, Boris, Covid, Afghanistan, Syria, even the Lib-Con coalition in 2010. He has missed all that and there are times I want to tell him all about it, but still I have not cried.

This weekend, Kay and her boyfriend have been visiting me. After supper last night we put on a film I had recorded from the TV over Christmas. It was A Star is Born - the 2018 version with Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper. Filmwise I have lived in a sort of bubble for decades. I have seen a few  films, but many have passed me by as my hearing is not great without subtitles, so I tend not to go to the cinema and often haven't the stamina to sit through one at home. Anyway, it's not much fun watching a film on your own. I must also confess that I hadn't thought much up to now of Lady Gaga either, but then, if truth be told, I had only heard a few of her songs which seemed as crazy as her dress sense. I also knew A Star is Born was a remake of an earlier film in 1976, but I had never seen that one either.

So we settled down to watch it last night and by the end of it, I was blubbering like a baby. For those who haven't seen it, it featured an alcoholic whose musical career hits the buffers at the same time as a girl, whom he helps musically and falls in love with,  rises to fame. I tried throughout the film to hang on to myself, but the closing song (I'll Never Love Again), played as he dies, completely destroyed me and I fell to pieces. Kay insisted I watch another film for light relief, so we watched Paddington which was the complete opposite and made us laugh. However, in the night and again when I woke this morning, A Star is Born was on my mind. I have to say, too, that it completely changed my mind about Lady Gaga. Her acting was impressive and her voice on the songs was amazing.  And it was the catalyst to make me cry. 


Linda said...

I'm not all that crazy for Gaga's music but I do find her to be incredibly talented and I like that she cares enough to speak out about what she is passionate about.

I'm wondering how you felt after. I find crying (which I do very rarely) somewhat cathartic and cleansing. A new me often emerges, more ready to take on the days tasks.

Happy New Year Addy. I wish you a good one full of excellent health, some close friends and the love of a dear daughter.

Yorkshire Pudding said...

If I were your doctor I think I would have prescribed "I'll Never Love Again" because it made you cry and allowed you to release some of the pent up feelings inside you. It's good that Kay was with you at the time because she would have understood precisely where those tears were coming from. Sometimes crying helps to heal.

crafty cat corner said...

Alcohol is a demon isn't it? My 31 year old Grandson who I am very close to is a drinker. He insists he is in control but I don't think he is. Because of a traumatic childhood and teenage years (he came to live with us at 14) I think drink is his way of coping. Unfortunately he is in the music business and drink comes with the job it seems.
I'm not sure if there's a way of helping someone like that, I've tried talking.
I'm hoping that as he gets older the appeal may fade.

Flowerpot said...

It's a fabulous film, isn't it, Addy? It must be good to let loose some of those pent up emotions and I'm very glad Kay was there with you. And that you watched Paddington afterwards! Take care x

Anonymous said...

Hi hun,
It is hard to have been married to an alcoholic. You often have wishes of *what if*.You are an amazingly strong person to come through what you have. All I can say is that everyone has demons and we all choose to deal with it in our own way.I had a mum who chose drink and then an ex hubbie (who was drunkenly violent and didn't remember)and 2 ex son-in-laws one of whom died due to his drinking problem leaving two young children behind. All of them had a sort of *justifiable* reason (problems in childhood etc). But it didn't make things easier for those on the receiving end.I came across your blog not knowing it beforehand. But felt that I had to give you a passing *hug*.All I can say is that given time you will find that you now have the chance to do things that you never could have before.Please have hope, you will meet someone who will *see you* and *appreciate you* for the amazing soul that you are.I found my soulmate when I wasn't looking and so did my daughters.There is life after this trauma so please put yourself out into the universe someone is waiting there for you. It will take time and if you were my close friend I would say please speak to someone (a counsellor?) about your feelings and your sense of loss.But please see the amazing future that is there waiting for you. :) Take care hunny bunny, and *big hugs*
love Goldensunflower xxx