People are naturally always very sympathetic when they find out I am a widow and more often than not ask in hushed tones what my husband died of. When I tell them he was an alcoholic, their look turns from one of sympathy to complete incomprehension, particularly if they knew him slightly or worked with him. He or more precisely we were very good at masking it.... from friends, from neighbours, even from the immediate family. Denial is not just the prerogative of the alcoholic.
My own reaction to his death was strange. When someone has a terminal illness brought on by no fault of their own (let us say a stroke, heart attack, cancer or any number of the cruel life-taking illnesses there are), it is easier to feel so sorry for the patient, to tend to their every whim, make their dying as comfortable as possible and grieve heavily for them after they have gone. After all, it is not their fault.
In the case of an alcoholic who has brought all of their physical destruction on themselves and more than likely caused untold upset and chaos within the family unit, it is completely different. Mopping their sweat-covered brow with love and devotion just isn't an option, when that person has poured gallons and gallons of alcohol into their system, ranted and raved till the wee small hours of the morning, drunk the housekeeping money or dented the car. You might still end up mopping their brow (if you haven't left them in the meantime), but with a feeling of resentment, anger, wistfulness for what could have been and a great dollop of see-it-through-to-the-end fortitude. When they pass on, it is usually one of relief for those who have lived alongside it for years: relief that you can sleep peacefully and return to a normal existence at last.
When Greg died, I was unable to cry (see here) and still find I am relatively hardened to what happened. It is difficult to knock those self-preservation barriers down that I erected for all those years he drank. Now, when milestones crop up such as birthdays or wedding anniversaries, I naturally think of my late husband. At first, I was too numb to feel anything. As the years pass (currently nine since his death), I am beginning to mellow and am saddened by what he is missing. As a BBC journalist, he would have been so interested in the international and local events of the last nine years. I wonder what he'd make of Brexit, ISIS, the demise of the Liberal party to name a few. He has also missed out on our daughter's excellent progress in her career and her love life. Knowing he will never walk her up the aisle is particularly upsetting. He would have been 70 next month. How and where would we have celebrated, who would we have invited, had he been a normal healthy 70-year-old? He and I have forfeited a long and happy retirement together. Gone are the weekends away somewhere or travel to new parts of the world. (I know a few widows or divorcees who do travel alone, but that's not for me. I would stick out like a sore thumb and would not enjoy it.) There's still, after nine years, an element of anger over the fact that my wings have been clipped as well as his, but I also feel sad that he missed out on so many things that could have been possible but for the kamikaze alcoholic choice he made.
The death of an alcoholic is a funny thing and does not always fit neatly into the stereotypical form of grief normally suffered by the bereaved. Whether my anger or the sadness will get the upper hand, who knows? Only more time will tell.
17 comments:
March 10th marks 5 years since my husband died from cancer brought on by alcoholism. March 24th would be his 77th birthday. I also have one daughter who was 28 when her Dad died. Happily he was there to walk her down the aisle and did not drink at the wedding.
Though there was a large measure of relief that I no longer had to deal with the crazy alcoholic behavior and financial desperation that came from his drinking there was a huge amount of grief for what might have been, as we had many happy and loving moments through to the end. Particularly at this time of year my daughter and I grieve for the things he is missing, especially the chance to meet her children and teach them all the great things he was so skilled at. And of course I share your feeling of deep regret at not having a partner to share the joys of traveling and exploring new things during retirement.
Belatedly, I read every word of this ADDY. I think I can understand the feelings you had - and continue to have about Greg's sad demise. Regarding travel and seeing a bit more of the world while you can, you simply need to be braver. There are travel organisations that cater especially for solo travellers. You should give it a try. You might make friends with other nice people and besides two weeks of your life is not an eternity. Go on. Be brave.
It's 9 years since my husband died, Addy, and while he didn't die of the same poisons as yours, I do so understand what you're going through. Grief is such a strange journey to travel and we all do it differently, but I can quite appreciate all that angst and fury you've been going through. I do so feel for you. You have done amazingly since he died and I wish you all the best for the future. Anyone would be glad to have you as a friend, partner, or whatever.
Is it a choice? I try to convince myself it isn't or I would send myself mad with the frustration of watching the inevitable.
Having known a fair amount of patients die from being alcoholics, I also knew the families. The majority of them also felt some type of relief to varying degrees.
It has to be said I also felt some relief on their part, it is awful to be watching people suffer through no fault of their own.
It is hard work living with alcoholics especially for the family left behind. It is not like a normal bereavment at all. people are always left feeling guilty that they didn't do more to stop the alcoholic from killing themselves.
I have spent many an hour talking to relatives and reassuring them it is not their fault by any stretch of the imagination. It's not at all easy, believe me.
Give yourself time to recover.
I stumbled upon this- my husband is an alcoholic. I often think to myself how there will be a huge sense of relief when the day comes.
Thank you sharing. My husband passed 8 months ago due to his alcoholism. There is some sadness. A lot of anger but a greater sense of relief. I am learning to live and make friends. Kids are smiling again. The dark cloud finally lifted and the sun is shining.
My partner died 3 days ago frm alcoholism I feel angry he could go dry for months then bang the addiction was back his death was so sudden aft another binge it's been a time bomb waiting in the wings for yrs
My partner of 20 years died on January 5th from an intestinal hemorrhage brought on by his alcoholism and hepatic liver disease. I went to check on him at 2AM only to find him dead on my living room floor in a puddle of dark fluids. He was only 57 years old. I am experiencing a boat load of grief due to the fact that I enabled his drinking. He was a Jekyll and Hyde type and I never knew what I would be coming home to. Living with that kind of chaos is exhausting. He would do anything for a drink. I Loved him with all my heart. I hated the alcoholism with every ounce of my being. I wish he chose life over the alcohol. My only solace is that he is finally at peace. Me.....I am struggling with survivors guilt.
my ex partner passed on 26th Jan 2021, we broke up in July, I couldn't cope with him anymore, his drinking got progressively worse, my mental health suffered badly. I kept in touch with him as he was the love of my life. I visited him and he remained upbeat and positive about the future, I never got to know he was so ill in the last week of his life, he was still making plans for him to get better and for us to get back together. I hate that this can happen to good people, so many plans made, but me so naive, went thru so many in house and outpatient detoxes and EVERYTIME I believed, or probably wanted to believe that it would work, he'd be cured! I never got to say goodbye and this hurts so much. Be peaceful at last my gorgeous boy, until we meet again
Dear Anonymous January 31 2021 (whose partner passed on Jan 26 2021). That is EXACTLY what happened to me, too. I am so, so sad. I am not waring well. He was the love of my life and passed 3 months ago in November 2020.
My partner died March 20 from alcoholism. He was 52. He was the most handsome man. Tall, strong, handsome, great hair, chiseled looks, he had everything going for him. He chose the bottle over our relationship. When he drank it changed who he was. He went from loving to someone I didn’t know. At times it could be very scary. I never knew what to expect when he was drinking. I found him dead in our trailer we shared. Alcohol and drugs. I’m sad at the waste of life. I’m happy he is finally at peace. Adam went through multiple binges and then detoxing.
It was a vicious cycle. It was a sudden death. Never expected it to happen. I miss him terribly and everything is so quiet without the constant drama.
I too thought this would be the case however it's been 6 months since the death of my beloved 35 year old wife and I am suffering unimaginable pain, grief, and guilt. Pain for the loss of the woman I loved more than anyone or anything in this world and guilt that I couldn't save her and guilt at the times I could have been kinder but wasn't. But this damn disease makes it almost impossible to be kind. The frustration, anger, and resentment were just too much when it was at it's worst. All I can say is to please see the man that you fell in love with rather than the sick alcoholic he has become. As hard as it may be please try your best. What I wouldn't give to just give my sick alcoholic wife one more hug. One more kiss. To be gentle to her one last time. Unfortunately for me it is too late. Damn this horrific disease and what it does to our loved ones as well as what it does to us. And I will always believe that my wife did not choose alcoholism. Alcoholism chose her. I wish you all the best. Be strong and remember, you are not alone.
My husband and I have been separated for 4 years and living in different states. Yesterday we had to place him in a nursing home for end of life. He was a life long alcoholic and the stress was overwhelming. He has lost 75 lbs in 2 years and has weeks to live. He abandoned his family and his business. I hope to find happiness and relief.
My husband died a year ago. There can be shame and bitterness living with an alcoholic. It still surfaces. There was so much deceit. Every day he would go for his mid morning 'walk'. We both knew it was across the road to the pub, but we still pretended. He would have just one or two drinks in public so the neighbours would think he was a moderate drinker. By 12 he was back home and knocking back the whisky, brandy or rum in stony silence. Mid afternoon he went up to bed for his 'rest' and stayed there until the next day. That was our life. I grieve for the person he used to be, but sometimes feel guilty at the relief that I no longer have to live a lie.
My partner of 6 years died on 26th April 2021 at age of 52 from Upper Intestinal Haemorrhage. He could go for weeks and even months with no drink, then when he started there was no stopping. Since June 2020, he drank near solidly with a few weeks sobriety in between until 19th April. He was sober for 1 week before his death. He refused to see a doctor putting his ill health down to his drink. He had so many plans for the future and was due to be admitted for a dextox, rehab 2 days after he died.
We would spend every sober hour together but lived apart. In his sober days I would feel like I'm on top of the world and then he'd pick up and I'd feel like I'd be thrown into a deep, dark hole.
He never wanted to see the doctor, when he was drinking or coming off he never wanted me in his home, he never wanted me to see him.
I knew he was very ill in the end, but he refused for me to call the ambulance or take him to the doctor. I blame myself, if only I had not listened to him and simply called for medical help. Maybe, if I could live with him, he wouldn't be so lonely to drink.
I don't know how to deal with this pain. Through all this drink he was my best friend, my rock, my companion, the love of my life, I love him beyond words. He wore his heart on his sleeve, words cannot express how much I miss him
My partner of 17 years succumbed to his alcoholism on May 1 2021. In January 2021 he was admitted to hospital for bleeding ulcer and anemia. During the 1 week stay he was told repeatedly by Doctors that he could never drink again. He was diagnosed with liver cirrhosis with MELD Score of 17. In February he was homebound and could not drive. He did not drink. I gave him a 24 hour and 1 month AA Chip. I was so proud of him. He was dealing with the consequences of cirrhosis with severe case of edema in his legs. I thought though he would not drink again; that he will deal with the side effects of cirrhosis; and try to get on transplant list 6 months or later. On March 11 he started drinking again, and daily, until he ended back in the hospital again. His blood work was off the charts; back in ICU. His MELD Score was now 35. He was moved to regular ward on the 3rd week. Things were looking good. He was told he would be moved to a Acute Rehab facility on the 4th week. But he was having internal bleeding issues. His blood was so thin, not coagulating, and on kidney dialysis. At the end of the 4th week, he started bleeding more internally. He went into shock and died from acute hemorrhage in the abdomen area. It was horrible to watch and see him in that condition. He died a horrible death. If only I new he was drinking, I may have been able to change the outcome. I don't know. But alcoholism is a horrible disease ,and unfortunately, he couldn't stay sober. The Disease WON.
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