16 June 2014

√x=6y+a² (or when soon enough is not long enough)

There's been much talk recently about the speed at which Mick Jagger seemingly got over his relationship with L'Wren Scott and starting dating again. The British press has had the knives out saying he has not given enough appropriate grieving time between her suicide and the next notch on  his bedpost. Ultimately it's his affair - quite literally - so who are any of us to criticise?  But how long is enough or how soon is enough? How long is a piece of string? There are so many things to take into account.

First we are all differerent. Some people  need other people around them all the time to function. They can't pay a bill or book a holiday or even  boil an egg without the other person doing it for them or helping them with it. They may need someone at their side for confidence or on their arm for image. Others can manage very well on their own, or were the one more in charge of the partnership anyway, so that when they are on their own again, there is little change in the way they go about things. 

Then there is the amount of time the couple spent together before one of them left. I imagine you would get over a relationship of four years quicker than you would one of forty years, as there are by ratio less/more shared experiences together. If your life together far exceeded the time you had before you met, that will also play a part in how easily you can accept the parting.

Yet another factor is is the nature of the relationship and the manner in which one left it. Were they happy together? Miserable?  Chugging along in a mediocre way for the sake of childen? Was it acrimonious? Was the death a release from a life of hell together? Was it a slow agonising death, where the actual passing was a relief for both parties?  Or was it sudden with no chance to say goodbye, leaving things unsaid, unfinished and a with shedload of guilt?

Age may play a part too. You may be more ready to move on and adapt to someone new if you are younger, less so when you are getting on a bit, although, having said that, there are still stories in the papers of 90-somethings finding true love in old folks' homes and staggering down the aisle on their zimmer frames!

Any combination of these things can produce a completely different result (where √x=6y+a²) and even in  similar situations, individual people (by sheer nature) will react differently. I personally marvel that Mick Jagger can move on so quickly after 13 years with someone he claims to have loved, but then again maybe he is trying to put on one face for the public whilst grieving inwardly.  

All I can say personally, looking at my √x=6y+a²,  is that it is over four years since Greg died and I simply cannot envisage ever being ready again in my lifetime to even date someone else, let alone marry them. Forty years together (married for 36 of them) means a lot of shared memories, although admittedly a mountain of grief towards the last 5 years before he died and a tsunami of emotions ever since. You certainly don't get over that in a hurry. Even if Richard Gere, George Clooney, David Beckham and Gary Barlow were all to turn up on my doorstep. 


nappy valley girl said...

As usual a very honest and thoughtful post. I like the idea of them all turning up on your doorstep...

All I can say is people do react very differently. When my Mother died my Dad remarried within a year. It was a whirlwind romance and it did not last....now many years later he is finally with a steady partner. He is the kind of man who definitely needs to be with someone.

When my mother in law died suddenly from cancer, my FIL said he could not imagine ever remarrying. After about six years however he struck up a rather odd relationship with a much younger woman. While this is not going to end in marriage, it seems to keep him happy.

K Ville said...

Mick Jagger has probably bounced around a lot of short-term women in his time, and he hasn't had the single longtime relationship you have. Even his longterms have been shorter terms so maybe he is already of the mindset to move between relationships. One new one doesn't necessarily undermine or lessen the love of an old one, it's just different. Maybe he thinks he's not getting any younger, why waste a year waiting if you could spend it lovin' - who knows? there's nowt so queer as folk and rock and roll folk even more so I guess!

David and Gary I could meh at but to have to choose between Richard and George if they turned up like buses - oh the agony of the choice. I wonder if they would take time share ;)

the veg artist said...

I think that wanting companionship, fun, even sex, are very different from wanting commitment. Handing over my money to a gigolo would never happen, but someone to put up shelves would probably be appreciated at some stage (read provide cake/change tap washers/go to the theatre with as appropriate) - it all depends on needs and wants.
From what I have read, MJ had been short on the commitment side all along.

Flowerpot said...

I think it's such a personal thing Addy, but everything you say has to be taken into account. AS the others say, commitment is a very different thing. I am happy in the relationship I have now but I don't want to live with anyone. Not just at the moment anyway.

Ellen said...

Everything happens in its own good time and none of us know what life has in store for us around the next corner. I suppose its all part of our own individual journey, whether we are ever lucky enough to find real love, or perhaps for it to happen several times over. When I was a little girl, I remember my uncle saying to me that life isn't meant to be fair. At the tender age of nine, I was furious at this thought, although as time has passed I am grateful for his wisdom.

However, I do like the thought of George Clooney turning up on the doorstep...