01 December 2011

The difference

In the last few years before Greg died, I used to do a lot of things on my own. He was not interested in doing anything anymore that did not involve drinking himself into oblivion. We did not eat together, watch TV together, sleep together, go out together (in fact he never went out at all in the end, as he could barely put one foot in front of the other and dressed like a tramp, did not shower and was totally anti-social). So I would go Christmas shopping alone and usually come home to show him what I had bought for other people especially for his side of the family. Most of the time he barely took any notice.

Since he has died, I still do things on my own..... eat, watch TV, sleep and go out, but now it is very different. Today I was doing some Christmas shopping in Oxford Street. It was lovely to see all the Christmas trees, street decorations, the hotels all done up ready for the onslaught of office Christmas parties during the month of December. I was quite successful with my shopping too. But the difference was, I came home to an empty house and had nobody to share my booty with. I don't say that in a "poor me" sort of way. Simply fact. Even though Greg was usually comotose for most of the time, at least he was something living in the house to show things to, however disinterested. Somehow showing the dog is not quite the same!


Elizabeth said...

Wow. That's very poignant.

Your husband's behavior sounds like my husband's these days. We also do almost nothing together anymore. It's amazing how this disease steals someone away. My husband keeps saying he'll be dead soon, and I don't know if he is kidding, trying to get attention or if he really means it, but it certainly is possible. It is really scary stuff.

Thank you for sharing this.

Bwendo said...

Is a strange thing, grief and loss. My experience is similar - as though the event and timing is the same except it has a different empty feel - as though it is not quite as full an experience.
My wife lamented this yesterday when a customer lingered longer than usual and we looked at each other and remembered his wife had passed this last Christmas. It was worth indulging him with conversation..

Thanks for sharing too..

HyperCRYPTICal said...

I can understand this Addy.

My husbands illness affects him in a way that he is a quiet partner - for although he is a presence in the house, for the most part I feel alone.

Yet if he were not there....

Anna :o]

Nota Bene said...

Get Skype...show your daughter. Take a picture, show us - we're all nosey and would love to see what you've got!

DogLover said...

I'm sad for you, Addy. I remember what it was like for you when Greg was alive and you started your blog. Now the strain and stress have gone, you can look further back to happier times. Keep those memories alive and forget the more recent, bad, ones.

You are being very positive in your new life - that's great! I also have only a dog to come back to, but it's better than nothing, you know!

We have only 3 minutes to lose in the evenings till the 13th when the sun begins to set later (only by a few seconds, admittedly)! The shortest day's on the 22nd and it starts getting lighter in the morning on the 1st January! Hooray!

Things pass, Elizabeth, Bwendo and HyperCRIPTICal! One Day At a Time!

Kelloggsville said...

Do the people you are buying for read this blog? I like NB's suggestion. Photo's and thoughts please and we'll all indulge your shopping feedback requirement :) Sometimes I too feel only my little cat cares what I have to say, but she listens very intently.

Anonymous said...

I've never shown my husband what I've bought for Christmas presents. He hasn't a clue what I buy or who I buy for. I imagine it was a lonely feeling not being able to share your gifts with Greg and I can truly see the emotion behind this bittersweet post.

CJ x

Anonymous said...

Hi Addy.

I can't imagine that is a nice experience. I know its very hard but I wonder if there is a way to start building a social ring near you. Not for the sake of it but with people with a common interest for a coffee and the like. I think everyone needs some kind of social interaction. Though I know its hard because nowadays a lot of families and friends move around.

All the best,