15 November 2011

Alterations in progress

I have been thinking a lot recently about the amount of time that has passed since Greg died. It helps me perversely to get closer to him and to accept what has happened, how I have coped since he went etc. I usually do all these complicated calculations in my head and decided yesterday to succumb to the time ticker I have now installed on the right of this page. Up to now, I have been able to say that Greg died this year, then last year, but from 1 January, it will become "the year before last" and therefore more of a mouthful to say. The time ticker will be more accurate, although no less of a mouthful to say.

I wonder whether to change the blog design. I've had this one since I started back in May 2008, so I question whether a change is due. On the other hand my blog is so part of me now, it is like stepping into an old pair of pyjamas to watch TV. It wouldn't seem right watching TV in a ballgown. I am still undecided.

I have also been reading back through some of the archive to remind myself what the last years were like. The last twenty months have been much more peaceful and I needed reminding of how grim things had got in the years before Greg died. So now I have created a new page for my archives so I can dot back to them more easily. Not pleasant reading. A shudder passes through me when I recall those days. Greg really was a lovely person. So kind, thoughtful, sensitive, wouldn't-kill-a-fly type of guy. Intelligent, knowledgeable, in a high-flying career. You would not have thought so if you met him in the last five years of his life. That alcohol changed him into something else. A monster, a tramp, a depressive. He had a streak in him that didn't like being told what to do, but that amber liquid led him by the nose wherever it wanted him to go. It led him to a place where he could not fight it and it finally consumed him. It takes a lot to get my head round that.


Flowerpot said...

I can understand a little of what you are going through - I read a diary of Pip's last months and wondered how on earth I'd got through it all. But we do, don't we? And - that cliche - life goes on. I think you've done incredibly well and can only guess at how difficult it must have been - and still is - coming to terms with his life and death. Take care.

Anonymous said...

I'm with Flowerpot.

Take care of yourself now.


Furtheron said...

Dear Addy - I love your honesty on here and this is a great great post for someone like me to read, being of course from the other side of the fence. I was the nice guy with the great job, model family, house in suburbia, two cars etc. about the only odd thing about me was an obsession with Marillion and more guitars than is strictly necessary for anyone... oh and the fact that I was an active alcoholic for 25 years.

I'm merely an arrested alcoholic today, I'm not and never will be cured.

"He had a streak in him that didn't like being told what to do, but that amber liquid led him by the nose wherever it wanted him to go. It led him to a place where he could not fight it and it finally consumed him. It takes a lot to get my head round that." Indeed, talk to many alcoholics and they don't understand either - I didn't and still don't, only thing I now know is that there is something wrong in my brain, add alcohol to that and it is "game over" - I lose the plot, the love of my kids, my wife, my job, my reputation etc. etc. all goes out of the window as the lure of the liqueur takes over.

You have shown remarkable strength to get through what you have and to reflect on it so poignantly. Best wishes

Anonymous said...

I read both yours and Flowerpot's blogs and have learned so much from your losses. Your online diary is such a blessing to you personally as it reminds you of what you went through as Greg's wife.

CJ xx

Wendy said...

You have shown, and continue to show, amazing strength xxxx

Anonymous said...

Hi Addy,

I hope its the good thoughts you are left with. They are the important ones. Like a clean out its better to let go of those wasted years when there were so many happy ones deserving of the space.

As far as the blog goes it sometimes is good to have a change. But that is subjective of course.

All the best


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Kelloggsville said...

I really appreciate this post, my husband just happened to be reading over my shoulder. I see my life following the same path as yours and when he reads your posts he steps away from the seemingly inevitable slope for a while x

Working Mum said...

I've been reading your blog for a long time and can remember those earlier posts. I think it will be painful, but useful, to keep them to recall the truth of those times.

As for your blog; a design change with a continuing theme may ring the changes a little. (I changed mine but kept the girly pink) Perhaps it's a bit like your house, time for a change?

ADDY said...

KV - if you're saying what I think you are saying and need any advice/help/someone to rant to, email me on alcdaz@hotmail.co.uk.