17 March 2011

LONESOME

I've been away at my mother's for a few days, trying to recharge my batteries and at the same time doing chores for her, but am now back home again. I am pleased to say Kay is recovered from her tonsillitis; Snoopy is a little better thanks to the painkillers and antibiotics prescribed by the vet; and we got through Greg's first anniversary intact although, now that first year's milestone has been reached, Greg slips ever more from my reach. It was one thing to say he died a few months ago. Quite another to say it was a year ago. Soon it will be two years ago and so on. It is as if he were being consistently pulled away by a long rope and the gap between us getting greater and greater. I try hard with eyes shut tight to recall the sound of his voice, the contours of his face.

Because Snoopy has been ill, and at times very weak, I have stopped the early morning walks in the park where I usually meet up with other dogwalkers and have a good chat. The last two weeks,except for when I was at my mother's, I have taken him on short walks up and down our road and, although he trots on the outward run, he plods very slowly on the return. As a result, I have hardly seen a soul and certainly not spoken to anyone, so I am feeling a right recluse and a tad lonely. Somehow, I just wish Greg would join me in a detoxed form and all would be well again. I'm sure I'll bounce back. As an only child, I am used to my own company but right now I'm tired of the sound of my own voice!

13 comments:

Kelloggsville said...

Pleased Snoopy is on his feet again but not quite enough yet though. I have often thought about some of my older relatives who were married for 30 years and have lived almost as many years again in widowhood. Happy times as dim memories is very sad. Like trying to imagine what your baby felt like in your arms so many years ago.
Maybe it is time to think about what interests you and do something with that. Trefoil guild ladies are always fun. I know night school as a suggestion is a cliche but I enjoyed my courses. Or guide dog puppy walking!! Blimey I can rattle on! Fancy a chat with me?!!!

HyperCRYPTICal said...

Pleased to hear that Kay is recovered and Snoopy continues to mend.

It is strange how those that we have loved and lost slip from our mind, and we have to strive hard to conjure up a physical image. The good memories will never fade - but will live on.

Hope you feel less lonely soon.

Anna :o]

aims said...

It is amazing how quickly we forget the bad and focus on the good once our loved ones are gone. You are not alone in this at all.

I think Kelloggsville has good ideas.

Saz said...

its so hard, whatever or however we have lost...
it is always a loss.


but then you and I were both lost and now we are found, different people now....

but far better than being lost...

we can only recapture the men they once were to us in our hearts and minds..

I feel your pain, l know you feel mine....

a year ago l wouldnt have imagine l could LIVE, be alive yes, but LIVe no

and l am... I even have a 'friend' nothing heavy...just a something...and thats fine ...for now...

much love saz x

Nechtan said...

Hi Addy,

Glad to read Kay is well and snoopy is picking up- hope that continues. I know well the strangeness of not talking to people for periods of time when the sound of your own voice sounds foreign because you haven't had to use it in a while. Please try to get out and about. From my own experience I know its not good to spend long periods out of the loop which only leads to too much introspection.

I can only imagine at how hard Greg's anniversary was. I think its good to remember Greg as he was before- the real person- though it is hard. But its better that the good surfaces over the bad because you've had enough of that to contend with over the years.

I wish you well and hope things do get easier for you,

Nechtan

Gattina said...

I discovered your blog by pure coincidence. Maybe you should try to find a hobby something you like to do and join a group that's the best therapy. Meeting other people and making new friends. Blogging already helps to.
I live just across the channel in Waterloo/Brussels

DogLover said...

Dear Addy - an attack of the "Poor Me's"?

So sorry about your broken leg and the pains in your stomach. Can't blame you for complaining about them.

Oh, you haven't a broken leg and you've no pains in your stomach? That's great, isn't it - other people have those things. Look out of the window - Spring is coming!

Isn't life great!

nuttycow said...

Hey Addy - hopefully the weather where you are is as beautiful as it is here... having the sunshine out and the birds singing is a sure-fire way to get the spirits lifted. I think your other friends have some great ideas to get you out the house and talking to other people again. Why not give it a try?

Much love to you and Kay.

Eliza said...

So sorry you're feeling low, it's hard getting used to living alone. Hopefully Snoopy will feel well enough to walk in the park again soon. Hugs.

Flowerpot said...

I am so pleased that Kay and Snoopy are better, but I know exactly what you mean about dog walks. They are so sociable and a great way of having a chat first thing in the morning and start the day off with a smile. I can well empathise with your feeling about Greg slipping away. It's so tough isnt it? But you have lots of blog friends Addy. Sending hugs xxx

Nora said...

You will learn to get used to your own company and find peace in it. You won't continue to feel lonely. I'm quite ate ease with myself now and can be alone for long stretches of time. You will become your own best friend. Remember the obstacles and problems you had in your former life. Things should be a lot simpler now. Maybe too simple?

Ellen said...

I am glad to hear that Kay is feeling much better and that Snoopy is a little better too.

I can understand your feeling of wishing for what 'ought' to have been - it's just that life drop-kicked the rule-book (if ever there was one) way out into the stars and continues to do its own thing.

My only suggestion would be to do all the things that make you happy. If you are missing your early morning walk and a talk, why not go ahead without Snoopy and take him for a short walk a little later. With a little luck he may be able to join you again before too long. Take care x

Kit Courteney said...

Slightly more up-to-date now.

Very pleased to hear your daughter is better, and that Snoopy is improving in some ways.

I've had a few iffy moments when one of my hounds has been spending the night at the nice-vet-man's... Going for a walk with just one dog on said day/days makes every other dog walker ignore me totally for fear that one of them is no longer around.

It's felt rather lonely at those times!

But any improvement for Snoopy discounts the negative *she says in Super Nanny fashion* so let's just hope things pick up and you have some time to readjust to a new routine :)