07 June 2010

Exam stress

Just back from a week at my mother's, so have not had a chance to catch up with other blogs and continue mine. Meanwhile as it is the exam season here in the UK at the moment, I thought I would publish this list of genuine errors which have appeared in past papers.....

Monotony means being married to the same person for all your life.

Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning..
Hands that judicious can be as soft as your face...

How important are elections to a democratic society?
Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

What is a turbine?
Something an Arab wears on his head.

What is Britain's highest award for valour in war?
Nelson's Column.

Who was it that didn't like the return of the prodigal son?
The fatted calf.

What's a Hindu?
It lays eggs.

Name the four seasons.
Salt, mustard, pepper and vinegar.

What changes happen to your body as you age?
When you get old, so do your bowels and you get inter-continental.

What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
They'll insist you're well endowed if you are buying a house.

What is a co-operative?
It's a kind of shop that is not as dear as places like Marks and Spencer.

What are steroids?
Things for keeping the carpet on the stairs.

A major disease associated with smoking is premature death.

The equator is a menagerie lion running around the earth through Africa.

Christians go on a pilgrimage to Lord's.

I've said goodbye to boyhood, now I'm looking forward to adultery.

Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

The process of flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Cows produce large amounts of methane, so the problem could be solved by fitting them with catalytic converters.

The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.

Dew is formed on the leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they always look like umbrellas.

Rhubarb: a sort of celery gone bloodshot.

The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels of which there are five - a,e,i,o,and u.

To remove dust from the eye: pull the eye down over the nose.

For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.

For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.

For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

To prevent conception, wear a condominium.

For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects.

To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

12 comments:

Crystal Jigsaw said...

Definitely keep it in the cow. They are amazing, Addy.

Hope you're okay.
CJ xx

Nota Bene said...

Thanks for rescuing me from a very dull Monday afternoon

Eliza said...

Thanks for the laughs, some of those were amazing :-)

Furtheron said...

Excellent :-) Didn't know that you had access to my old school records ;-)

Monalisa said...

Very funny...

Nechtan said...

Hi Addy,

Great list. Certainly brought a smile to my face.

Nechtan

Strawberry Jam Anne said...

Great fun Addie - I think I may have seen some of them before but they certainly made me chuckle. A x

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

Oldies but goodies ....

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Eurodog said...

It seems to me the new government has its work cut out on reforms in the educational system. Every year similar quotes appear on French websites after the baccalauréat and I tell you Sarkozy has to address education in his country too.
I think it is shocking to see how standards have been lowered over the years.

Flowerpot said...

Monotony is brilliant! Hope all goes well with the exams.

dulwich divorcee said...

Lovely! Thanks for making me smile